I’ve known Constance Chamberlain for about ten years, but hadn’t heard this story before. Because I’m interested in all things writing, not to mention all things that have historical roots, I invited this excellent musician to make this guest post here today about her own song-writing projects. If you’re interested in Celtic folk music, this is definitely something to check out. And enjoy a few chuckles along the way!

Constance Chamberlain, Celtic Rock Musician

Since this is a writer’s blog, I thought I’d touch about my own writing projects – namely songwriting.  For the past two years, I’ve been performing with a celtic folk-rock band called Sportive Tricks (www.sportivetricks.com). We’re comparative with The Fenians or the Poxy Boggards (and I highly commend either group).    We perform at Renaissance Faires and Irish bars throughout Orange County and Los Angeles, CA.  I’ve always loved music and singing, but being in the band inspired me to write a song based on actual events.

Oftentimes authors and composers are asked where they get their ideas from.  Here is the story of where I got one of my first songs from, to show you how the creative process can sometimes work. While we were performing at a new Ren Faire in Hemet, CA, the band was invited to join one of the vendors for dinner. He promised delicious steak and liquor.  As musicians, we are pretty much required by law to take advantage of free food and drink so we said we would stop by.  After sunset, we changed out of our constrictive faire costumes, threw on comfier duds, and wandered off to the trailer where the food was to be found.

Our host greeted us with the delicious smell of grilling steak, a wolfish smile, and some innuendo.  He specifically greeted the ladies of our small band with a hug and a far too familiar kiss. This may have been fine for the single and recently-single, but I have strict personal boundaries and, more importantly, respect for my husband. I gave a hug, as is polite, but semi-jokingly cautioned him against the kiss as my husband would have to hurt him otherwise.  The host made a quip about his being welcome to try, and promptly gave my ass a squeeze.

Did I mention I have strict personal boundaries?  When someone does this they normally get hurt… but I was a guest, we were new to the locale, and I didn’t want to make waves. Beside the point, I was hungry and that steak smelled GOOD.

I did my best to give off a ‘Touch me and Die’ vibe the rest of the evening while remaining polite and friendly.  A bit hard, but hey, I am an actress. The host instead turned his attentions to a recent divorcee, cuddling her close and slipping his hands down her jeans. The meal was served with a side dish of sleaziness and a liberal helping of dirty jokes; how he enjoyed watching lovely women wrap their lips around his thick, hot meat, how proud he was of his tall moist bottles being sucked on until sweetness came out, and so on and so on.  I’m sadly serious as to his dialogue.

Despite this, the steak was delicious.  I’m a musician. We have no pride when it comes to mumphing a free meal.

Nonetheless, I did the right thing and begged my friend off to accompany me to the outhouses. While on the way I inquired as to his overtures to her and asked if she was okay. The guy was coming on stronger than Pepe Le Pew to a black and white cat and I had to be certain the attentions were tolerated, if not despised.  Fortunately, she thought they were kind of sweet, if awkward and she was enjoying being found desirable.

Can’t say no to that, can I?  Having verified that she was okay with the man I perceived as a slimball, I let her have her fun.  By the by, they’re still dating…

The next morning, we discussed escape clauses; words or phrases which translate to ‘Get me out of here, this guy’s a creep but I want to be polite.’ One of our band-members had used a fake phonecall the night before to do much as I had with the outhouse, but we wanted something we could use while in public and performing.  We decided that it should be something akin to ‘We should rehearse that song, ______’ and then name the code-word. Jokingly, we suggested the title should be ‘Anywhere but here’.

The next morning, we discussed escape clauses; words or phrases which translate to ‘Get me out of here, this guy’s a creep but I want to be polite.’ One of our band-members had used a fake phonecall the night before to do much as I had with the outhouse, but we wanted something we could use while in public and performing.  We decided that it should be something akin to ‘We should rehearse that song, ______’ and then name the code-word. Jokingly, we suggested the title should be ‘Anywhere but here’ as in, “’Where do you want to go?’ ‘Anywhere but here.’”

I loved the concept. A secret yet polite way to get me the @*&#$ out of here. A lot of people at the shows we perform at have been drinking strongly and interpret friendly conversation as sexual invitations.  It has happened to all of us ladies at least once at an event, and our divorced friend had not been subject to it much until becoming single once more.  Then it struck me. It COULD be a song as well as a code.

I sat down with my little leather-bound songbook and started to sketch out the framework for the song. It would be the story we had experienced last night; someone coming on overly strong and the female singer needing to get as far away from him as possible. She begs the listener to take her ‘anywhere but here’ and help her politely escape the unwanted attentions.

It started with exposition; how the singer was invited to a party and attended to be polite and social.  It then went into the crux of the song and detailed the unwanted attentions of the individual and their multiple attempts to win over the singer. It would end with a comment on how pointless it all was as the male antagonist would never succeed with the singer and her frustration with being unable to get rid of him. All in all, it would have the beginning, about 3-4 verses each detailing part of the story, and the conclusion.

The words came first. I wrote out the story to a rhythm and concocted a rhyme scheme. It ended up being ¾ Waltz time and an ABCCB pattern. As certain words didn’t fit the rhyme or meter, I would change them and shift them around.  Sometimes whole lines would be crossed out because they didn’t fit the pattern.

As I continued writing, I realized the setup wasn’t necessary.  The listener didn’t need to be told that the singer had attended a party.  All they needed to know was that she was being hit on by someone. So I nixed that verse entirely and re-wrote the introduction of the song to be more generalized. I also had gotten an idea of a tune at this point and could ‘sing’ it roughly with an idea of how the chords would fit in.

As I neared completion, I started showing the lyrics to my friends. Much as an author sends out initial ‘Alpha’ reads to friends and family, I did the same with my lyrics. A suggestion was made to add an entire new line to the back half of each chorus to strengthen it. I went back and added the lines to see if it worked, having to re-write the original lines themselves to better fit the new pattern.  Some suggestions were made that I downright ignored; not everyone has the same ‘vision’ as the author does and you can’t always incorporate everyone’s’ ideas if they just don’t fit.

Once the basic lyrics were done, I went to refining the tune. It needed to be playful, bouncy, and stack AND cascade on the harmonics. It was tricky to get the sound in my head out onto the page but having a piano on hand provided me the means to tweak it until it sounded right.  Eventually, I had a tune for verse and chorus which encompassed the teasing nature of the song as well as the exasperation of the singer for her predicament.  I was told ‘It sounds like a Disney song,’ which I took as a compliment.

So here, ladies and gentlemen, are the full lyrics. Enjoy.

Anywhere but Here

Lyrics, Music by Constance Chamberlain

Sometimes you’ll be in conversation
With someone to whom you’d rather not talk
And with every word
he just gets more absurd
but away you simply can’t walk!

A goblet was pressed to my hand
and a plate filled with sumptuous food
by a dastardly man
with a dastardly plan
to try to get me in the mood.

Chorus – So take me anywhere (anywhere, anywhere)
Take me anywhere but here!
His attempt at seduction is hardly discreet
Be it imported port or a dessert so sweet,
Oh I’ve got no interest in tasting his meat!
So. Take. Me. Anywhere (anywhere, anywhere) but here.

In conversation I am cordial,
To strange fellows I’m always polite.
But it’s hard to be kind
When he’s grabbed my behind
And he wants to bed me for the night.

Chorus – So take me anywhere (anywhere, anywhere)
Take me anywhere but here!
What made him think I was that kind of lass?
My high set of standards he never shall pass
If my Hello! translates to Please Grab My Ass?
So. Take. Me. Anywhere (anywhere, anywhere) but here.

When a man has had too much to drink
His eyes will drift down to my chest.
But he wants to play
so drunk hands will stray
And I find he’s groping my breast!

Chorus – So take me anywhere (anywhere, anywhere)
Take me anywhere but here!
I’ve not told you once sir, nay, I’ve told thee thrice
I know they are perky and tempting and nice,
No one said you could touch my merchandise.
So. Take. Me. Anywhere (anywhere, anywhere) but here.

So fellows, do watch the libido
It’s all going straight to your head.
You think that you’re great
But I want to escape
And you’ll never take me to your bed.

Chorus – So take me anywhere (anywhere, anywhere)
Take me anywhere but here!
Be ye merchant from London or noble from France
I’ll tell thee plainly – sir you’ve got NO CHANCE
Touch me again, I’ll kick you in the pants!
So. Take. Me. Anywhere (anywhere, anywhere) but here.
Anywhere, anywhere, anywhere, but here.

Anywhere but Here has not yet been performed but is planned for our next upcoming cd, ‘Dirty Tricks’. You can hear a recorded example of another of my songs, “Ode to Whiskey” on our album ‘Old Dogs, New Tricks’ available here –  http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/sportivetricks2